How You Can Help a Friend Who Has Lost a Significant Other

The bittersweet experience of loving someone profoundly, only to one day lose them, is one we may all face at some point in life’s journey.

Support from a good friend can help ease the burden of grief. But as friends, we often struggle to know precisely how to support someone who is suffering from the loss of a significant other, to find the right words or actions that would truly make a difference. 

Gaining an understanding of the bereavement process and what a friend may be going through can help us develop the skills to be there for each other when we’re needed.

What is bereavement?

Bereavement is the time of grief and mourning that we experience after loss. 

Everyone experiences bereavement differently. Factors such as someone’s personal history and life experiences, support system, and coping skills shape how they process and recover from the loss of a significant other.

The signs of bereavement

The signs we witness in someone who is going through bereavement can often be confused with depression, such as not sleeping or eating well. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, was one of the first mental health professionals to articulate the stages of grief. She identified denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as the stages one typically goes through during the grieving process. 

Over time, these stages have been expanded, and we now understand that grieving is not a linear progression. Rather, people move between the stages of grief — and that’s a perfectly natural response to loss. Other emotions, such as anxiety, guilt, and even relief, are also components of bereavement, but are not always talked about as often.  

When is it time to seek additional support?

Bereavement time frames are different for everyone. Those who have experienced a loss commonly ask, “Is my process normal? Is my grief taking too long to ease or go away?” The answer most often is that there is no defined “normal” time frame for bereavement. 

Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. Much of the work we do as social workers focuses on helping people learn to be gentle with themselves and accept their grieving process without judgment. Self-compassion and patience are important. It doesn’t help to try to push away the pain of grief, count the months, or worry whether someone is progressing too slowly through the bereavement period. 

With time and support, the bereaved person can find their way forward while continuing to honor their loss. However, if someone finds they are unable to do so even after a considerable period of time, it may be necessary to seek additional support from a mental health professional to address their emotional well-being. 

In assessing the bereavement process, social workers look at severity and duration. Although not common, some people experience intense symptoms such as feeling like life has lost its meaning, withdrawing from loved ones, or struggling to accept the loss. When these symptoms remain severe a year or more after a loss, a mental health professional can assess for prolonged grief disorder, or complicated grief, and find the right path forward. 

How loss can impact health

The mind-body connection is real! Those grieving can experience symptoms such as high blood pressure, gastrointestinal issues, migraines, and even hives. Sleep and mood are also often impacted, and if the grief is prolonged, additional physical symptoms can arise.

Losing a significant other can also create spiritual distress. While some people may find comfort in their spiritual or religious beliefs, others may question them when faced with profound loss. Confiding in a spiritual leader, counselor, or trusted friend can offer a space to help explore these feelings.

For some older adults, grief may overlap with other changes, such as a move, changing health needs, or the loss of other family members or friends. As a friend, staying connected and offering companionship can go a long way toward helping someone adjust to daily life without the person they lost. 

Tips for being there for a grieving friend

Community holds you up until you can hold yourself up. Residents of Hebrew SeniorLife’s Orchard Cove in Canton, MA, took this philosophy to heart by forming an informal support group for those grieving the loss of a spouse.

They bake for each other, share meals, check in, and, most importantly, have open conversations about their losses, including the broader challenges of aging. It has been incredible to witness the power of this community in helping these folks heal.

There are several things a friend can keep in mind when supporting someone who has lost a significant other:

• Witness your friend’s sadness. Be there without judgment.
• Be there without trying to fix anything. Bereavement takes time, and you shouldn’t interfere with the process. Don’t tell your grieving friend to move on.
• Listen. Although well-intentioned, saying things like “you’re strong” may not be what the bereaved need to hear.
• Assist with household chores that may be burdensome, like shopping and cooking.
• Show up when everyone else clears out after the loss. Don’t disappear.

Bereavement support offered by Hebrew SeniorLife Hospice Care

Hebrew SeniorLife Hospice Care cares not just for our patients but also for the family members and loved ones by their side. Our bereavement support continues for 13 months after a patient’s death, helping those closest to them adjust to life after loss.

Bereavement support is one of the most important services offered by our hospice care team, and one many people do not know about. It’s reassuring and comforting to those who are grieving to know that our support does not disappear after the death of a loved one. 

Anyone can make a referral to our hospice programs — a patient, a family member, a physician, or a nurse. Contact Hebrew SeniorLife Hospice Care today to learn more.